


Admitted

by marwanisbekker (angelkuhling)



Series: Lovesick | Reesker oneshots [3]
Category: Chicago Med
Genre: F/F, I don't k!ll my lesbians lol, Panic Attacks, Sensory Overload, also medical talk tw, anxious!ava au, because rheeker is only okay when platonic bickering, but ava is okay, but she is doing her best to help, connor is less on an ass here, definitely not canon ava, i think thats it, reesker, sarah is baby, this is angsty, this is very heavy lmao, uhh blood tw
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-09
Updated: 2020-10-09
Packaged: 2021-03-08 03:13:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,393
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26908681
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/angelkuhling/pseuds/marwanisbekker
Summary: Sarah comes home to a familiar sight, though it isn't one she ever wants to see again.
Relationships: Ava Bekker/Sarah Reese
Series: Lovesick | Reesker oneshots [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1960036
Comments: 1
Kudos: 9





	Admitted

**Author's Note:**

> Content warnings: panic attacks, sensory overload meltdowns, mentions of self injury (scratching/hitting), mentions of blood, medical talk
> 
> ava's slang:  
> fok: Afrikaans for "fuck"  
> bokkie: "little doe", an affectionate pet name
> 
> cross posted to my tumblr punksarahreese

Sarah carefully shifted the bags of takeout in her arms, trying her best not to drop them as she went to unlock the door to her apartment. She fumbled with her keys a little but managed to unlock it, nudging the door open with her hip.

“I’m home!” She called, expecting an immediate reply from her girlfriend as usual. If Ava was home before Sarah she was almost always waiting to greet her with a gentle kiss on the cheek and mention of how she missed her that day. Their paths didn’t often cross at work and they were still trying their hardest to keep their relationship under wraps, so it was best if no one knew of their living arrangement either.

Sarah was a tad concerned when there was no answer or light sound of Ava walking down the hallway. She had left the hospital when Sarah had got there that morning, having worked a night shift before, so her girlfriend expected her to go home and rest. She saw Ava’s purse and shoes by the door, so she must be home, but there was no sign of her anywhere.

“Ava?” Sarah went to set the food down on the coffee table, making quick work to take off her coat as well. She kicked off her shoes, not bothering to set them up nicely before she took off down the hallway.

She didn’t find her in the kitchen or the living room, so her next guess was their bedroom. Unfortunately there was no response from the blonde, who was so often loud as can be at home. Sarah was getting a bit anxious, of course her brain jumped to the worst case scenario.

Noticing the bathroom door was almost completely shut, though still open a crack, she decided to knock.

“Ava?” She called out softly, “You in there?”

Silence, but then a small whimper. She knew that sound, knew the voice it came from. Sarah’s heart stopped for a second, half relieved to have found her but also still worried. Ava didn’t hide often, unless she was anxious or feeling ill. She hated to be a burden so whenever she didn’t feel well she would disappear, often drawing into herself and becoming rather snappy.

“Love? Can I come in, please?”

She didn’t hear any protest and was far too worried to leave her alone, so after a moment of silence Sarah opened the door.

Ava was in the dry bathtub, still clad in her scrubs. She had her legs pulled up to her chest and was slumped over them, cheeks reddened from crying. Her hands were clasped over her ears and was curled into herself, as if she could physically escape whatever was upsetting her in that moment. The posture and tears streaked down her cheeks clearly indicated a panic attack, but that wasn’t what worried Sarah the most.

Ava’s arms and neck were bleeding in multiple spots, clear scratches from her short nails having ripped the skin. They weren’t too deep by any means, merely a flesh wound, but it still concerned her girlfriend. She only did this when it got too much, when she couldn’t channel her emotions into anything constructive or healthy. This was a bad sign, something must have triggered a big meltdown if she had resorted to this.

“Ava...” Sarah sighed softly, trying her best to keep her voice quiet to avoid spooking her. The older woman didn’t make eye contact, just kept her eyes trained on the white wall of the bathtub and continued rocking slightly to self soothe.

Sarah crouched down in front of the tub, not touching her just yet, “Aves, hey. Can you look at me?”

She whimpered again, shaking her head rapidly. A gasping breath escaped Ava, her lungs clearly unable to get enough air with the way she was hyperventilating. Sarah knew she needed to calm her down, but she also needed to know what triggered this before anything.

“Okay, that’s fine,” Sarah replied in the calmest tone she could muster, “I want to help though, baby. Can you tell me how I can do that?”

Ava turned to look at her but even then it’s like she wasn’t there; her eyes were staring straight past Sarah as if she couldn’t focus on reality. It broke Sarah’s heart to see her like this, seeing her usually strong and fearless girlfriend so helpless and scared. Especially when she couldn’t control it or help much, Sarah found herself feeling just as helpless.

“Okay well I’m gonna ask some questions, can you nod yes or no for me?”

Ava nodded once after a moment of hesitation, letting out a shaky breath. She was clearly trying to be strong and stay focused on Sarah, but she was still shaking visibly and couldn’t catch her breath.

“Is it just anxiety?”

A quick head shake, Ava moving her hands back to cover her ears.

“Too loud?” A rapid nod, Sarah frowned as she knew she wouldn’t be able to ask specifically was what too loud and expect an answer.

“Anything else too much?”

Ava nodded again but didn’t elaborate. She was sliding down in the bathtub a bit though, clearly trying to shield her eyes from the harsh fluorescent light.

“Ava, did you do that?” Her girlfriend pointed at her arm, where a thin trail of blood was still running from one of her deeper scratches.

That was a mistake to ask, because Ava looked down at her arms and then promptly let out another sob. She shook out her hands aggressively, finally speaking for the first time since Sarah had seen her in the morning.

“I-I’m sorry! I’m sor- I’m sorry!”

“Oh, baby,” Sarah shook her head and leaned a little closer, “No, Ava, it’s okay. I’m not mad I promise.”

Ava didn’t respond, repeating her mantra of apologies as she tried to channel her energy into her stims. She went back to rocking and shaking her hands, not registering Sarah’s worry or words. It wasn’t helping though, just making her hands hurt, and she sobbed in frustration. Without thinking her hands found her neck and her short nails dug into the skin on either side. Neither one knew if she was trying to ground herself with the pain or just taking her frustrations out on herself, but Sarah knew she wouldn’t stop this by talking.

“Ava, no,” she tried to move as least threateningly as possible as she reached out, “Don’t hurt yourself, not again.”

“No!” Ava swatted at her hand but didn’t actually hit Sarah, quickly pulling her hand back when she realize what she almost did, “D-don’t care!”

Sarah sighed shakily, not knowing where to go next with this. She rubbed a hand over her face before speaking again, “Do you know where your meds are? Purse or coat?”

An aggressive head shake made her disheveled curls bounce, “Forgot! W-work.” 

“You left them at work?” Sarah asked for clarification, realizing they were in trouble.

“Mhm.”

“Ava...”

“I’m sorry!”

“Ava,” Sarah tried to catch her attention before she lost it again, “Ava, look at me.”

It took a couple more repetitions before the blonde finally did as she was asked, staring at her girlfriend with teary eyes. Sarah knew this wasn’t her fault and knew Ava was trying her best, but it was always so frustrating. Not because she was acting out, really it wasn’t voluntary, but because Sarah didn’t know how to help.

“Maybe we need to call the hospital, yeah? Well go and get your meds and let someone clean up your scratches?”

That suggestion did not sit well at all, a rapid shake of her head preceding more tears. Ava kept repeating her disagreement, the thought of going back to the hospital clearly not desirable. She didn’t want to deal with more people, wouldn’t be able to handle all the beeping or the bright lights. It was hard enough to drown out when she was lucid and working, it would be nearly impossible to handle in this state.

“Hey,” Sarah sighed, “Okay I’m sorry. Can you sit for a second while I go get your earplugs? Would that help?”

Ava didn’t reply, breathing having worsened when her panic returned full force. Sarah apologized again and left the bathroom, promising to be back as soon as possible.

Even though she wasn’t much calmer with her in the room, the second Sarah disappeared Ava snapped. She blinked rapidly against the harsh lights of their bathroom, hyperventilating again as her anxiety rose. She felt like she was suffocating now, everything way too much as even the sound of the gentle hum of the electricity or the always leaking sink was too much for her. She tried to cover her ears but it didn’t help, making her sob even more as she became upset with herself for reacting this way.

Sarah had heard her sobbing from the living room and felt her heart ache for her girlfriend. She was clearly struggling and couldn’t communicate her emotions very well, it wasn’t fair to her. She called out to Ava that she would just be a minute, still searching through her purse to find the earplugs she always kept there.

Sarah had found them and was making her way to grab a bottle of water when she realized the apartment had become eerily silent. No more crying or repeated words, not even the harsh breathing that she had heard while in the living room. That made her drop the water she had picked up, rushing to the bathroom and fearing the worst.

Ava was completely silent, and for good reason. She was slumped down in the bathtub, head on the side of it and eyes closed heavily.

Sarah’s heart dropped, “Shit, Ava?!”

Her breathing was raspy and shallow, but Sarah could still hear it when she crouched down. She sighed in relief when she check her pulse and found it strong, albeit very tachycardic. Hyperventilation-induced fainting, if she had to guess. She quickly pulled her phone out of her pocket, dialling 911 because she knew this wouldn’t be over when Ava woke up and wasn’t sure if she had hit her head.

She made the call for an ambulance and sighed shakily, cursing whatever higher being decided to put the woman she loved through this much pain. She sat with Ava the whole time after running to unlock the door, holding her limp hand and keeping an eye on her vitals.

Cesar and Courtney came into the apartment with a stretcher, clearly shocked when they realized who the patient was. It was difficult for them to maneuver Ava’s limp body out of the bathtub but they managed. After strapping her down onto the stretcher to avoid her falling, they checked her vitals again.

“I don’t know if she hit her head,” Sarah had said, asking them to put a C-collar on Ava just to be safe. Sarah of course followed them in the ambulance, still holding Ava’s hand the whole time as Cesar checked her over.

The next few minutes were a blur, following them into Gaffney and refusing to let go of Ava. Trying to answer Maggie’s shocked questions when she realized who was on the gurney.

“Get Connor,” Sarah mumbled, “Please, Maggie.” Despite Ava and Connor’s differences, she didn’t trust anyone else to treat her girlfriend in that moment. She nodded and paged him immediately, worry on her face as she stared at the unconscious CT surgeon in trauma 2. Sarah was trying to answer April and Doris as they set up the monitors, but she was so overwhelmed with what had happened.

“Maggie, what’ve we got?”

“It’s Ava.”

“Ava?” Connor Rhodes rushed into the room, eyes wide when he saw his colleague on the bed. His eyes scanned the gouges in her skin and her stats before he finally noticed Sarah.

“Reese, what the fuck happened?”

Sarah looked up at him with pained eyes, “I don’t know. I came home and she was in the bathroom having a meltdown. Something must have triggered her anxiety and she just lost it. I couldn’t calm her down and her meds were here and she kept scratching and hitting herself. I left the room for two seconds and when I came back she was out. Hyperventilation-induced syncope was my guess.”

“God, Ava,” Connor sighed and looked at the c-collar, “Did she fall?”

“She was in the bathtub,” Sarah sighed shakily, “I don’t know if she hit her head when she passed out. That was a precaution because I wasn’t there at the time and couldn’t clear her c-spine.”

“Okay,” Connor looked at her vitals before turning to April, “CBC, CMP, Tox screen, and a head CT, just to be safe.”

“On it,” April left to go make calls and get a blood draw kit. Sarah looked at Connor in alarm as he started checking Ava’s wounds.

“Tox screen?” She asked incredulously, “Connor, it’s Ava. Besides, she was on call today; if anything is in her system it would be her meds if she took them earlier.”

“Well then it’s not an issue, is it?” He spoke to Doris after that, “Get her on a nasal cannula and set her O2 to 25% please.”

Sarah blinked at him dumbfounded, “R-right.”

Connor turned to Sarah when she fell silent, sighing when he saw she had started crying silently, “Reese...”

“I’m fine,” she waved a hand at him, “Just... god this is a lot.”

Connor asked Doris to clean and lightly dress Ava’s wounds to prevent reopening if she woke up. He checked her stats one more time before turning back to Sarah completely.

“Hey,” he put a hand on her shoulder, “She’s gonna be fine. It’s Ava, nothing slows her down for too long.”

“I-,” Sarah took a shaky breath, “W-what if I hadn’t gotten home when I did, Connor? God knows how long she’d been panicking before I got back and this is already bad enough.”

Connor was about to reply when a familiar voice caught their attention, accented words very breathy and panicked.

“Get the _fok_ off of me!” Ava was awake and trying to push April away as she was finishing taking her blood. The nurse quickly pulled the needle out and pressed a piece of gauze to the wound, apologizing the Ava because she knew she was just scared and confused.

“S-Sarah?” Ava looked around for her girlfriend and met her with a panicked gaze, “Wh...where?”

Sarah immediately rushed over and took hold of Ava’s hand when she asked for her. She didn’t care if anyone saw them at this point, she was just worried sick.

“We’re at Med, Ava.”

Ava held tightly onto her hand, “B-but...”

“I know you said no hospital, love,” Sarah said softly to soothe her, “But you passed out and I was worried about a head injury.”

“Yeah I’m not too worried about that now,” Connor put in, trying to lighten the mood, barely flinching at the glares both women shot his way.

“Sarah,” Ava mumbled, “No doctors.”

“Ava, you are a doctor,” she reminded her gently, “And you know you need to get checked out.”

“No!” Everyone in the room flinched at the unexpected outburst, “No more!”

“Ava, that’s enough,” Connor said, “You need a CT.”

“ _Fok off!_ ” Ava shrieked at him, hands clasping over her ears for the umpteenth time that day.

“Hey hey,” Sarah tried to soothe as she put a hand on Ava’s bandaged arm, “Calm down.”

“Too much... Sarah, too much!”

Ava was quick to try and rip off the heart monitor leads, the machine’s constant beeping making her even more upset. She swatted Connor’s hands away when he tried to stop her, making Sarah tell him to step back.

“Doris,” Sarah sighed as she held Ava’s hands to stop her from hurting herself, “4 milligrams Ativan IM over two minutes, please.”

“Sarah, you shouldn’t...”

“It’s exactly what she takes in pills, Connor.”

“No, I mean-“ Connor hesitated and looked at the nurses in the room, deciding not to continue.

Sarah knew what he meant though, “Yeah, I know, sorry. You be the doctor, I’m the family.”

She just stood there after that, watching as Doris injected the first dose of sedative into Ava’s arm. She stopped fighting Sarah’s gentle hold and looked at her helplessly, tears back in her eyes.

“I’m sorry, Aves,” the brunette said as she brushed Ava’s messy hair out of her eyes, “We’ll fix this, I promise.”

Ava slumped back into the lumpy hospital pillow, “S-sorry...”

“Don’t apologize, Ava,” it was Connor who spoke, surprisingly gentle,“We’re all here to help you.”

Ava fell into sedation after the second dose, not asleep per se but definitely non-combative. Sarah knew she’d be fine after the Ativan, though once she woke up she would probably be ashamed with herself.

“Okay, get her that CT just to be sure and then I want her admitted to the ward for tonight,” Connor was telling the nurses, “April, her labs?”

“Wait, she won’t want to be admitted...”

“I know, Sarah, but this was a bad one,” he replied, “And I want psych to talk with her.”

Sarah was about to say something until Connor spoke again, “A psychiatrist who isn’t as close to the patient, maybe?”

The resident huffed and nodded reluctantly, knowing she would just have to suck it up and be the worried family member this time.

“Just don’t admit her to the psych ward,” she murmured, “She’ll never forgive me if I do that to her.”

“This isn’t your fault, Reese,” Connor reminded her, “I’ll put her in the general inpatient ward, I mostly want to monitor her neurological function anyway.”

As they wheeled Ava away to go up to radiology, Sarah was stopped by Doctor Charles. Her attending looked from Ava to her, giving Sarah an apologetic look.

“Doctor Reese, a word?”

She followed Charles to the ED lounge, “Sarah?”

She didn’t want to answer, knew in his tone that he was concerned for her well-being and was about to psychoanalyze the situation. She was going to say something, anything, in Ava’s defence but she just burst into tears.

“Hey,” Doctor Charles pulled her into a gentle hug, one that felt more paternal than anything else in her life.

“I-it was so bad...”

“Meltdown?”

Sarah nodded, “She... she was inconsolable and scratched herself up pretty bad. I left the room for one minute and she just- just passed out on m-me.”

“Oh no. I’m so sorry, Sarah.”

“I thought... I t-though I lost her at first,” the resident admitted quietly, “W-when she stopped... when she stopped crying. It was so quiet, I w-was terrified of what I would find when I-I went back in.”

“I know, it’s tough. And that’s a terrifying thought. You were there for her, though, and she’s safe because of you, right?”

Sarah shrugged, “She’s...upset with me. She didn’t- didn’t want to come here.”

“It was for the best, Sarah. You did it because you care. She will understand once she calms down.”

“Is it always this hard?”

“What’s that?”

“Being the family member?” Sarah’s voice cracked again, “Watching this happen f-from the other side?”

Doctor Charles smiled sadly at her, “Unfortunately, yes.”

***

Sarah was pacing.

It’s not that she wanted to, or really had a reason. They had gotten the all clear, Ava didn’t have any visible head injury and her cuts were all superficial. She was fine physically and the psychiatrist was adjusting her medication. Ava would be fine, but Sarah was still pacing.

“How is she?” Connor asked, peeking his head into the room.

The woman in question was asleep on the patient bed, still in her scrubs because no one wanted to subject her to the stress of being changed by others. She had blankets tucked around her and her arms and neck were bandaged, mostly to stop her from picking at the wounds if she panicked again. She looked so peaceful, more peaceful than Sarah had seen her in a while, but it still hurt.

“Still out,” she said quietly, “They gave her another kind of sedative and want to start her on aripriprazole. Talking about occupational therapy too, though I know she’ll hate that.”

“How did this get so out of hand?” Connor wondered, “She seems so stable some moments and then all of a sudden she’s overwhelmed.”

“That’s the problem with anxiety based disorders; they don’t always need a reason or a context.”

“She looks so small in that hospital bed,” Connor sighed, eyes landing on the blonde who usually took up so much space with that personality of hers, “I kind of wish she was awake, it’s too quiet without her constant snide comments.”

He was trying to lighten the mood, she knew that, but Sarah didn’t find it all too funny. Instead she stopped her pacing to look at him seriously,

“This is happening more frequently, Connor. I’m worried to leave her alone sometimes.”

“I know, Reese.”

“I just-“ Sarah’s words were interrupted by someone else’s, this time though, they weren’t as hostile.

“Sarah,” Ava was looking at her in confusion, “ _Bokkie_.”

“Who?” Connor asked, not understanding the word but assumed it was a nickname because Sarah responded to it. Whatever it was, sounded cheesy and so out of character for Ava.

“I’m right here, Aves,” she ignored Connor and made her way over to her girlfriend. Connor sighed and excused himself, deciding to not insert himself in whatever dynamic was going on here. Ava grabbed at Sarah’s hand, frowning when she saw the bandages on herself.

“That bad?”

“Yeah, a little,” Sarah replied as she pulled the visitor’s chair up to the side of her bed, “But we got through it.”

“I’m sorry...”

“Don’t apologize, you can’t control it.”

Ava shook her head, “I... I don’t even know what happened. I took a nap when I got home but then I woke up so anxious.”

Sarah hummed, “You were still in your scrubs.”

Ava looked down and noticed no one had put her in a gown, “Yeah.”

“Did that trigger anything? You said the texture makes you uncomfortable some days.”

“Maybe,” she nodded, “I was so worn out, had back to back emergency surgeries last night. I just woke up and I couldn’t breathe it felt like there were bugs all over me... tried to take a bath but couldn’t focus.”

“I’m sorry, baby.”

“Not your fault,” Ava replied and brought Sarah’s hand up to press a kiss to the back of it.

She sighed at the contact and dropped her forehead to rest on Ava’s shoulder, “I was so scared, Ava...”

“What did I do? I didn’t hurt you, did I?”

Sarah sat up and shook her head when her girlfriend panicked a little, “No no, not at all. You were just inconsolable and said you left your pills here. You snapped a few times when I wanted to bring you here and I went to go find your earplugs for you. But when I came back you had passed out in the bathtub...”

“Oh...”

“I was terrified, Ava,” she admitted, “I thought I’d lost you at first.”

“Oh, love,” Ava sighed, “I’m so sorry, I can imagine that was scary. I’m sorry I put you through that.”

“It wasn’t your fault; not really. You can’t control it and I never blame you for the meltdowns. I know you’d never lash out or anything like that on purpose. I was just afraid I wouldn’t be able to help you.”

“Sarah?”

“Yeah?”

“Come here,” Ava scooted over on her bed and gestured for her girlfriend to take down the railing. Sarah laughed a little and did as she was told, getting on the bed as gracefully as she could. Ava immediately curled up against her, clinging to the one person she knew she could trust.

“You always help me,” she said softly, “And I am so so grateful for how patient you always are. You’re a saint, Sarah, really.”

“It’s my job,” Sarah replied, “Quite literally. But also as your girlfriend, of course I’m going to help you through the hard times.”

“You’re the best,” Ava concluded, pressing a kiss to her cheek.

She flushed at that, “It’s really hard to be the family... to be on the other side of it all and have no control. It’s really scary.”

“What, you didn’t boss Connor and the nurses around the whole time? I distinctly remember you ordering a intramuscular Ativan dosage.”

“I tried,” Sarah admitted, “Connor made me stop after that though. Thinks I’m too involved.”

Ava laughed, “Well, you kind of are,” two more kisses dropped along her jawline, “But I’m not complaining.”

“You’re mighty affectionate right now,” Sarah mumbled shyly, trying to pretend that she wasn’t blushing like crazy.

“Just thankful,” the blonde replied and snuggled a bit closer to her, “And sleepy.”

“You’ve had a long day,” Sarah replied, “And a lot of sedatives. You deserve to rest.”

“They’re making me stay tonight, aren’t they?”

Sarah nodded, “Observation. You hit your head in the fall and, while your CT was clear, Connor is worried about a concussion.”

“When’s psych coming?”

“I told Doctor Charles to stop by tomorrow,” Sarah said sheepishly, “Figured you wouldn’t want to see anyone tonight.”

Ava sighed, “And for that, I am thankful. I’m too tired, I don’t wanna be shrinked right now.”

“Shrinked,” Sarah repeated the fake word with a small laugh.

“Baby?”

“Yeah?”

Ava looked at her with a small pout, “Can you stay tonight? I really hate hospitals.”

“Ava, you work here.”

“Okay, I hate being the patient. You know that.”

“Yeah, I’m just teasing,” Sarah promised, “Of course I’ll stay, if you want me to.”

“Yes please.”

They lapsed into silence for a while, Ava cuddled close and Sarah enjoying the finally calm moment. She pulled Ava gently into her arms at one point, holding her against her body and breathing an internal sigh of relief. She finally felt herself relax for the first time that day, with her girlfriend safe and close after so much stress and worry.

“Sarah?”

“What’s up, love?”

Ava flushed a little and tugged at her scrub top, “Uncomfortable again... do you have a gown for me?”

Sarah laughed and nodded, helping her sit up, “C’mon, I’ll help you.”


End file.
